The Secluded Soul !

And I remember he used to say- do not rush for things which aren't yours.

But now, it's too late. 

I chased money just like a disciple blindly follows his teacher, foolishly assuming happiness to automatically come with it. 

I had a fair share of happiness, and contentment, that which didn't last for a long time and instead had me drown in pools of regret and shame.

Because all of this was my own decision. My own doing.

And society, they weren't of much help either. Coz they never allow you to forget your flaws or mistakes you've done any time in your life.

As they always keep me reminding to stop complaining and live the life as it is since this is the life I've chosen for myself.

And now

I am alone

And caged. 

Caged in self-accusation

Caged in self-pity. 

Caged in regret. 

Caged in remorse.

With pangs of conscience hitting me every now and then

Reminding me of the mistakes I've purposely done

Laughing at the immaturity I've shown

I now find myself

In seclusion, pondering over the wrongs that I've done.

Yes, if only...

Everything was perfect. Just like they show in movies. I used to eat, travel, party, shop, sleep and repeat. Contentment was oozing from me giving an aura of confidence & arrogant vibes. Yet, it had to end. Someday it had to. And I was completely prepared. But, it happened as though it was my worst nightmare, my marriage with him dragged me into darkness the way I'd never imagined I would adjust to.

He was known as the man women would drool over. And I thought I was lucky since he chose me among them all. But all of this turned out to be a damn suffering when I was told the very first day of our marriage that I meant nothing to him. And he had a very selfish motive to have this marriage happening. He used me. In all ways possible. My identity, my fame, my fortune, my everything became his, in an overnight.

He tortured me. I was on a marital rape since the first day of our marriage. None of my Interest pleads, or refusal mattered. He had me doing things his way. He used to hit me in broad daylight and nobody would question him. He used to abuse me and later challenge to do what I can to escape. I found it hard to swallow his challenges and mockery but I was helpless. I was stuck here. I desperately used to remember my ex-fiance who truly loved me but I left him in pursuance of a much much better life with money.

And one day, I did it. I escaped. But this escape wasn't of much help. Earlier, it was just my husband who used to mock at me, but now it's the whole society that laughs at me. At my foolishness. At my ungratefulness.

Little do they know what price I had to pay to leave that hell?

I left my identity, my confidence, my everything with him. I have nothing that may accompany me for the rest of my life. I don't have anybody to rely on now. I lost everything. I lost everybody. All because of me.

But, this escape has to be the best decision I have ever taken in my life to be fair since this was done purely for me and not for Material attachment. Now, I am living for me. Only surviving to see better days where happiness cheerfully chases me. Though I have nobody, I want to see a Time where I have everybody. Not because of my identity, but because of the beauty of my soul. The change I managed to bring in me is something I want the world to know so that they will not repeat the same mistakes I've done all of my life.

For he always used to say- A sin isn't a sin until you keep repenting on your actions.

If only I hadn't played deaf to his feelings, I would have been a happy soul enjoying the good and bad of our life as anybody would normally do.

Dear ex, though I hadn't listened to you at the right time, I will make sure I pay heed to all of your bits of advice, now to shape my life beautifully.

Without you.

-From the diary of a secluded soul.